Hello, good morning, and welcome, to another issue of If I Could Give It No Stars I Would, where we review reviews of things that shouldn’t have been reviewed.
Today: Holy Cross Catholic Cemetery, a prime example of a place that under no circumstances would have been attached to a review function if it wasn’t for Google Maps. It has 52 reviews, with an average rating of 4.1.
A lifelong yankees fan
Being a lifelong Yankee fan, it was really interesting to see this place come up as a stop on places to visit. My aunt is buried here so I kind of stumbled upon the place where the great Joe DiMaggio is laid to rest. Was really neat place to visit. Kind of odd but great place to pay your respects and nice little trip outside of the city. Especially if you are a Yankee fan.
Yeah yeah yeah my aunt is here but YANKEES. Weird but fine. No explanation for why they knocked a star off. Three stars.
THEY DON’T APPRECIATE AT ALL
Upcoming death updates: MAKE SURE YOU ORDOER HOLY CROSS MANAGEMENT NOT TO THROW YOUR WREATHS OF YOUR “ DEAD LOVE LOVE.” It happened to me, 4 awesome wreathes / very expensive were thrown away the same day. ( that’s what according to the people at their office.) Very sad, I suggested that they can help their grieving clients by at least save these wreaths for you go the next day for keeps/ share to your other DEATHS in HOLY CROSS. THEY DON’T APPRECIATE AT ALL.
Actionable! I like it. Four stars.
This brings extreme sorrow upon our lives
My best friend was robbed here at the Saint Robert’s location while praying and visiting her deceased family. She attempted to work with the security guard as well as the manager “KELLY” and obtained zero help. This brings extreme sorrow upon our lives. I give this place zero stars for the lack of professionalism and morals.
Zero stars for a lack of professionalism and morals. Detailed, legitimate complaint. Good intensity. A touch of poetry. Five stars.
his name is KELLY
My wife was robbed here visiting deceased loved ones. We spoke to the cemetery’s manager, his name is KELLY, he was of zero help. Please reconsider doing any business with this cemetery. It is not safe here, nor do they care to assist us.
This “KELLY” character is a recurring theme in these reviews. (Along with the cemetery’s over-enthusiastic maintenance schedule.) He’s always referred to in all-caps.
Honestly, as much as I personally enjoy the more colorful reviews, this one is everything that a 1 star review should be. It’s clear, it describes a legitimate problem, it provides useful and actionable information. Five stars.
I have never been here and never will be
I have never been here and never will be, but my great-grandfather, Anton Kump, 1879-1960, is buried here.
I have real concerns about a person who reviews a cemetary they’ve never been to, nevermind someone who gives it five stars just because one relative born in the 1800s is buried there. What about KELLY? One star.
I HAVE MY FAMILY’S ATTORNEY FURTHER PROCEEDING THIS MATTER
DO NOT WASTE ALL OF YOUR MONEY BEING BURIED HERE. MY LOUIS VUITTON PURSE, WALLET, AND $300 CASH (credit cards as well) WERE STOLEN OUT OF MY CAR! I SPOKE TO THE MANAGER, A MALE BY THE NAME OF KELLY, AND HE WAS OF NO HELP! HE WAS EXTREMELY DEFENSIVE AND DID NOT CARE TO REVIEW THE CAMERAS! EVEN AFTER ONE OF HIS “WORKERS” FOUND MY JCPENNY CREDIT CARD. TEN’S OF THOUSANDS MY FAMILY HAVE PUT INTO THIS PLACE, AND WE’RE NOT SAFE!?! NOT TO MENTION HOW MUCH MONEY WE PAY AND THEY ONLY HAVE SURVEILLENCE FOR THEIR OFFICE!! NONE TO WATCH OVER ANYBODY’S GRAVE. THIS PLACE IS AN ABSOLUTE SCAM! KELLY IS HEARTLESS AND UNPROFESSIONAL. I HAVE MY FAMILY’S ATTORNEY FURTHER PROCEEDING THIS MATTER . DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT GIVE THIS CEMETERY ANY BUSINESS! AS PAINFUL AS IT IS, I WILL NOT BE BURIED ALONG WITH MY FAMILY DUE TO THE REALIZATION OF HOW THIS PROPERTY WORKS. NOT TO MENTION THEY HAVE SECURITY GUARDS ROAM AROUND, THAT STILL WERE OF NO HELP TO ME. PLEASE RECONSIDER THE SAFETY OF YOUR BEING AS WELL AS YOUR LOVED ONES. I WILL BE LEAVING REVIEWS EVERY AND ANYWHERE I CAN TO HELP MY FELLOW SENIORS RECONSIDER WHERE THEIR BUSINESS IS BEING INVESTED. THANK YOU GUYS FOR READING. BE FULLY AWARE!
Another serious accusation against KELLY.
I don’t love that this review is in all caps. I don’t know how to feel about this person’s demand for surveillance on the graves. Is this a standard feature at other cemeteries? On the one hand, this person is in real distress. On the other, they want cameras for surveilling dead people. Three stars.
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I feel sad for the people who died
I feel sad for people who died
I don’t understand the thinking behind the score here. Are we rating highly because the cemetery produces the desired emotional effect? Is the rating for the concept of death in general? Is five stars the default? Very unclear. Two stars.
We will be taking our business to Cypress
Greedy, unprofessional management. We will be taking our business to Cypress.
I assume KELLY’s perfidy is once again involved. The thing that gets to me about this one is referring to “burying our loved ones” as “our business” which, on the one hand: Fair. Accurate. Relevant to the topic at hand. On the other hand: What is this capitalist hellscape?? Three stars.
My future eternal home!
My future eternal home!
Five stars for “I’m going to die someday?” Incredible. The enthusiasm! Four stars.