Issue 01.02 Stanyan Whole Foods

They need to poach some talent from Trader Joe's.

Hello and welcome, once again, to If I Could Give It No Stars I Would, the newsletter that reviews reviews. Two episodes this week because I’m experimenting with the format and these are fun as hell to write.

Today we’re taking a peek into the magical world of Whole Foods adjoining San Francisco’s Golden Gate Park. It has 1,236 reviews, and an average score of 3.9. This is pretty low for a grocery store. It’s the worst rated Whole Foods in San Francisco! This is a thing I know now!

Stealing is against my values

Sad: Really used to enjoy shopping here. Haven't been by in around a month or two and was thinking of picking up shopping here again. Sadly, a guard told me I could never come back, accusing me of a crime I did not commit, providing me no oppuritunity to prove my innocence or inquire for details of the accustation, just repeating, "you know what you did."

Stealing is against my values and this is...just sad to be accused of a crime I didn't commit this way. RIP to my Whole Foods experience :(


Four stars!! Whole Foods falsely accuses you of a crime and you give it four stars!!

Good story, made me laugh, but the rating is incomprehensible and, frankly, unforgivable. Two stars.

Didn’t go inside

Didn't go inside but it was very clean looking from the outside and passerbys said it's a great place to shop


Who are these people who review stores they haven’t gone inside? Did this person interview people on the street?! One star

A sense of discovery

While, sure, it's mainly about buying groceries, there's still a sense of discovery here, like, "huh, I've never heard of that, it looks delicious, I should try that."


Short. Only mildly out-of-touch with reality. All around solid. Three stars.


Management needs to change. There's low employee morale, general mismanagement and disorder, incohesion going on at the store.


Short, provides no real information, but that gem of a word. Incohesion. Love it. Four stars.

One star is too many

Garbage store, trash product, management is rude and unhelpful. One star is too many.


Included mostly because it fits the theme. Otherwise unremarkable. One star.

Poach some talent from Trader Joe’s

Cashier had an attitude. Couldn't be bothered to explain prime discounts (I went in at 9:00 PM and it wasn't busy). Just stated I needed to register my number and dumped the instruction sheet in my bag. They need to poach some talent from Trader Joe's.


Why do people who write these reviews think there’s some kind of extended grocery store universe? The idea that grocery stores are sports teams or startups, competing to hire star cashiers: Unhinged. Genuinely funny. Four stars.

You have to hold in your pee while shopping

Completely ridiculous. You can't use the bathroom unless you purchase something first. You have to hold in your pee while shopping. When I asked the manger for the bathroom code, he stated "we don't discriminate but you probably think you can get in to the bathroom wothout purchase because you think you are privileged white". That sounds suspiciously like discrimination! Service is very poor and completely apathetic about everything. I'm never going to A Whole Foods or shopping on Amazon ever, ever again.


Enjoyed the writer’s outrage that you aren’t allowed to pee in the store. Details of the incident seem fake though. Three stars.

Questions pertaining cheese for our family

Took absolutely FOREVER to have ham cut for us. We waiting for 45 minutes for the young man to cut the guy's meat in front of us. He would weigh the meat EACH TIMES after he cut two slices. No one was around to answer questions pertaining cheese for our family. The other man in the deli section was making sandwiches and made them all with bacon when it said no bacon. The staff is dysfunctional and could use some good helpful assistance.


A truly great review. Bizarre expectations. Weird specificity. Read it aloud, you’ll see what I mean. Five stars.

This Whole Foods is not where it’s at

As far as grocery stores go I’ve seen it all. My favorites are Wegman’s for anything and everything with Aldi for German chocolates and dry goods. This Whole Foods is not where it’s at. Mediocre at best, since I live close by I’ve been coming here for two years. Sometimes I feel like this place doesn’t have anything I really want, I suppose the selection is not very good. Their prices are also pretty expensive which is typical for Whole Foods. I was hoping that with Amazon buying Whole Foods this would improve, but unless you download an app for coupons, I haven’t really noticed much of a difference. Because of issues with selection and low bang for my buck, I’ve changed my shopping habits and make a trip to Costco once or twice a month and only come here if I can’t really help it. On that note, they have good bread and a decent wine selection with various price points.


Again, the extended grocery store universe. More information about the reviewer’s grocery buying habits than the actual store. The idea that they’re some kind of grocery store expert is funny though. Two stars.

Sexual looking at my GF

If I could leave a negative start I would they have the worst security guard service, I had a security guard threaten and try to intimidate me, after a confronting him about sexual looking at my GF and he got real loud and belligerent in front of all these customers telling me to leave. Then my Gf tell me he went back to the store manager and said I tried to fight him and I was doing what he was actually doing to me, so my GF said that I wasn’t allowed at the store no more and I’m just baffled that they’re going to try and ban me without even speaking to me about the incident, then I go to pick her up after work this time across the street away from the store I see the security guard again we had some words and he runs towards me across the street and draws a gun out on me, I’m 100% sure whole foods has a “no fire arm policy” that explaines why he pulled the fire arm from his undergarment instead of having it on his hip, another store employee was in shook asking him what he was doing and he said he feared for his life as if I had a fire arm or something and he said No your wrong you can’t pull a gun out on him I’m just thankful to still be alive I’m seeking legal consul because I was in real fear of my life by one of there employees that I was made out to be a bad person by but clearly the truth always come out in the end and he showed his true colors.. this incident happened May, 29, 2019 first encounter 5pm 2nd encounter 10:30 pm.


This one is long, but it has everything. The guy hassled a security guard for “sexual looking” at his girlfriend, and then was surprised that the security guard, did, y’know, security guard things? Also we learn that this guard keeps a gun in his underwear. Halfway through the writer appears to switch to writing a… deposition? Does he think that Google Maps reviews have some special value as legal evidence? Also threatens to leave negative stars. A masterpiece. Five stars.

Hey you made it to the end

Where do you think Whole Foods should poach talent from?